SAYING GOODBYE TO THE UGLIEST PARTS THAT MAKE ME WHO I AM

I AM – DEDICATED TO THE UGLIEST PARTS OF ME

I AM RESTING WELL OLD FRIEND

Who I AM. I walk through that door. The smell of cigarette smoke lingers in the air. I thought it would be different, I didn’t expect things to go this way already. The room was filled with eery darkness, a darkness that took hold. But I can still feel the bass through the very souls of my feet. I take one deep breath and all of my memories come rushing back. The past few months I have been working on putting myself back together. I too buckled under the intense weight of this world.

Most thought of me as a broken soul. I knew that I was not irreparable, this off time was used to stick my own pieces together. My friends all walk with confidence and a cigarette tucked behind their ears, not a care in the world. I had to change for good, I could no longer resemble that which I resented.

I am on the brink of being an 18-year-old living in a world where social formalities must be followed. Attending school with a forced smile. Worked hard, I play sport and I even rounded up good grades, all for those around me but on the inside, on the inside, it is a different story. DROWNING. I am drowning in my own thoughts and sadness. Drowning in my own hope that one day I will be good enough.

It’s easy to see that everyone looks for a way to fit into society’s perfect system and many are able to accept themselves for who they are. However, I am never going to be one of those people. I let my own thoughts and insecurities destroy me.

IT NEVER SEEMS TO GET BETTER

Santosh Kalwar once said “We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.” Personally, I believe our thoughts play a large role in determining who we are. The way we perceive ourselves and handle our feelings impacts the way we respond to the people around us.

I never truly understood why I felt so, so alone. Originally I thought it was because of financial circumstance or the fact that I wasn’t in with the “cool” kids around the school, However, maybe it is my own thoughts that force me to feel this way.

There have been countless nights where I laid wide awake staring at the ceiling, allowing my thoughts to go round and round in my head. I would like to believe that I have positive thoughts that go through my mind as well. However, I think the negative overpower the positive. My mind focuses on my flaws because that’s all I’ve ever known how to do.

I walked into the room and a shiver went down my spine. The last time I stood in this exact spot was 3 months ago and my intentions were not pure, not even close. These words spin in my head; a man can not overcome his thoughts if he does not know how to accept or control them. 

Another puff of smoke, another empty bottle, and these thoughts begin to dissolve – an escape you would say, but no, a downward spiral leading me to my own damned demise… 

• DANE CROUSER