I AM – DEDICATED TO THE UGLIEST PARTS OF ME
Who I AM. I walk through that door. The smell of cigarette smoke lingers in the air. I thought it would be different, I didn’t expect things to go this way already. The room was filled with eery darkness, a darkness that took hold. But I can still feel the bass through the very souls of my feet. I take one deep breath and all of my memories come rushing back. The past few months I have been working on putting myself back together. I too buckled under the intense weight of this world.
Most thought of me as a broken soul. I knew that I was not irreparable, this off time was used to stick my own pieces together. My friends all walk with confidence and a cigarette tucked behind their ears, not a care in the world. I had to change for good, I could no longer resemble that which I resented.
I am on the brink of being an 18-year-old living in a world where social formalities must be followed. Attending school with a forced smile. Worked hard, I play sport and I even rounded up good grades, all for those around me but on the inside, on the inside, it is a different story. DROWNING. I am drowning in my own thoughts and sadness. Drowning in my own hope that one day I will be good enough.
It’s easy to see that everyone looks for a way to fit into society’s perfect system and many are able to accept themselves for who they are. However, I am never going to be one of those people. I let my own thoughts and insecurities destroy me.
Santosh Kalwar once said “We are addicted to our thoughts. We cannot change anything if we cannot change our thinking.” Personally, I believe our thoughts play a large role in determining who we are. The way we perceive ourselves and handle our feelings impacts the way we respond to the people around us.
I never truly understood why I felt so, so alone. Originally I thought it was because of financial circumstance or the fact that I wasn’t in with the “cool” kids around the school, However, maybe it is my own thoughts that force me to feel this way.
There have been countless nights where I laid wide awake staring at the ceiling, allowing my thoughts to go round and round in my head. I would like to believe that I have positive thoughts that go through my mind as well. However, I think the negative overpower the positive. My mind focuses on my flaws because that’s all I’ve ever known how to do.
I walked into the room and a shiver went down my spine. The last time I stood in this exact spot was 3 months ago and my intentions were not pure, not even close. These words spin in my head; a man can not overcome his thoughts if he does not know how to accept or control them.
Another puff of smoke, another empty bottle, and these thoughts begin to dissolve – an escape you would say, but no, a downward spiral leading me to my own damned demise…